Food Rant

4 years ago

Call me paranoid, but I am convinced that there is a definite
conspiracy out there to shove carbohydrates in our system, a la the flouridated water deal.

I`m SO SICK AND TIRED of bread, pasta, and sweet sauces. Oh, I`d love to eat them but I know all too well what the consequences are. No, I`m referring to the ubiquitous, can`t-get-away-from-em nature of said elements. Allow me to explain.

So, you`re on this low-carb diet, beautiful. A cinch. I`ll just go
to the hot/cold salad bar across the street (I live/work in Manhattan) and pile up on the meats and veggies; I`m home free. But that`s the clincher on this diet, you don`t realize HOW DEPENDENT you are on carbs until you decide to eliminate them; i.e. it dawns on you how
much you`ve been taking for granted all these years.

Anyway, where
were we? Oh yeah, the salad bar. Ah, there`s a delicious chicken dish there, but wait. . . darn, it`s drenched barbecue sauce. Or wait, there`s some jumbo shrimp yum! Uh-oh, hold the phone, it`s got a thick breading. But there`s some beef, YEAH! Lemme at it. Stop! It`s soaked in some sweet glaze deal. GGRRRRRRR!!!! Then it gets worse. Tuna salad: can`t go wrong there, scoop you up some. Ah, nice, now where`s my fork. . . mmmmmm, this is so delici-. . . hmm. .
. what th- what`s are these chewy things? Definitely, not celery, what gives?. . . APPLE??????????!!!??? THE TUNA SALAD HAS FINELY DICED APPLES IN IT???? WHERE`S MY PISTOL? (Folks, I`m not making this up, some nitwit actually dreamed up this concoction, Village 38 Deli, I was so pissed I wrote a letter)

Same with the egg salad, full of peas, sweet mayonaise or salad dressing, etc.

Same with most Chinese food; lots of flour and sweet/sour.

Some have mentioned going to McDonalds/Burger King/Wendy`s, and throwing away the bun. I have mixed feelings on this because, call me weird (as though most of you haven`t by now) but I don`t care for
wasting food. Which is where the agita sets in. Burger King `claims` to be all about "having it your way" (or am I pathetically dating myself by invoking an ad campaign that flourished during the Carter years?), right? Ever tried ORDERING something that doesn`t jibe with the pre-programmed cash register key? I, figuring that "whopper plain without the bun" would be too traumatic, asked for a simple double whopper with absolutely NOTHING on it (against my qualms, I was going to bite the bullet and toss the bread). I swear, you would`ve thought
I had asked the lady to recite the Krebs Cycle AND the Side-Angle-Side theorem backwards in Sanskrit. 5 years later, after she FINALLY understands that, yes, I am most certain to the farthest regions of human certainty, that I want a dry sandwich, NOW she has to relay this to the cook thus reopening the entire debate.

It`s frustrating.

Another rant concerns this woeful WOE (well, to be fair, the WOE per se isn`t the problem, it`s more the surrounding universe). Doesn`t it just crack your beans that every goodie and snack seems to only be accessible by mail order? And the snacks that you can get at Rite Aid or Duane Reade tastes literally like crap? This goes back to my conspiracy theory; it seems that the mainstream items are in two
camps: high-fat or low-fat, but both will be even higher carbs.

The only great lc candy bar out there is Carbolite Chocolate bars; it tastes like a real chocolate bar not like a chocolate covered stick of wallpaper paste. But can you find these anywhere? Well, some nut stores might carry them, but for the most part, you`re gonna have to order them.

In fact, that reminds me. I know there`s carbolite ice cream that exists, but what store carries it? None that I`m aware of, so what`s the alternative? How the heck are you going to order ICE CREAM through the Internet? It`s gonna arrive in a jar that you then put in the freezer? ewwww!

And what about restaurants? Is there not ONE restaurant out there that FEATURES lo-carb cuisine? What`s the problem, folks? There`s plenty of low-fat (mind you, I realize how rhetorical the question is) or "heart smart" restaurants out there; what the HELL are they afraid of? `Omigod, we just can`t encourage people to order low-carb dishes; it`s just not promoting good health." Yeah. Tell that to Ben & Jerry, Baskin-Robbins, Dunkin Donuts, Krispy Kreme, Nathan`s, or Mr. Carvel! I think you see my point.

Speaking of points, I`m sure my blood pressure`s gone up a few, so I`d better stop so that I can reserve my energy for reading all your wonderful, intelligent replies.

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