Best Friends

4 years ago

This is a little personal and I wrote this about a month ago:

I still remember that heartbreaking moment when I lost a best friend for the first time in my life. It was in primary school and I went home that day and cried to my mother for hours. I remembered the feeling of my little chest aching - it felt so raw and I guess that was my first time experience of heartbreak.
More and more people continued to walk in and out of my life and though they were important, they were not important enough to affect me so much. And though it did hurt a little sometimes, I never dropped a tear. I did not care as much. It was just a little shitty feeling but that was about it.
A few weeks ago I lost two of my closest best friends in one night - well, I did not actually lose them, I pushed them out because I felt so betrayed. I am not going to lie but the whole situation did hurt, it really hurt. Maybe you might think my decision was too irrational but up until this point, I have not regretted the decision that I have made nor will I ever for what they have proved to me. I made no effort into working things out because I felt like I was not the one who fucked it up. I am honestly not trying to be rude or offensive but this is how I feel from the bottom of my heart. I guess we are no longer on the same page and it hurt so much because I actually wanted them to be my best friends for the rest of my life. I remember making plans that I thought for sure was going to happen. I remember making plans about having family feasts in the far future and maybe also having our children be best friends. Ive connected with them on so many levels and part of me is made of them. Though Im okay with one of them, I can no longer feel like I can turn to her - shes merely a friend or someone I just have small talk with. And to make up with them would sound so easy but it is not because I no longer hold that trust I once had. The damage has been done and so am I.
Point is, I no longer hold the belief that best friends will always stay with you. When push comes to shove, theres always one who will pick a side and leave or make you feel like its hard for you to stay. They may stay with you for a long time but theyll have to leave one way or another and I guess youll just have to move on and adjust yourself to surrounding yourself with different people. Im just glad up until this point I still have people who are loyal to me and people who dont blindly pick sides - I guess that strings me a little hope.

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