Luuux

Here’s my previous post for you guys to understand: http://www.luuux.com/food/binge-eating?blog_id=50944

To recap, I love being healthy and love the thought of having a healthy lifestyle. I almost had one, I was close. I don’t know what led me to want this lifestyle but I guess it just really appealed to me. It made me feel good too but sometimes I felt bad because maybe I kept pushing myself too much or obsessing over being super healthy.

Ever since I was a little girl, I thought I had such an awkward body. I was so thin and had a boyish shape, no curves and all that and just didn’t like myself. But I was about 10-13 years old at that time. My mom and her friends also always told me to eat more which really didn’t make me feel good either. At around ages of 11-15, I loved food. Loved all of it. When I entered middle school, girls started getting boobs and I wasn’t close to getting them. So I started to eat junk food all the time but it wouldn’t work. I also started to eat all the time because of all the people who told me I didn’t eat. I didn’t know anything about genes or the whole system of a body. I was able to eat so much and still be lanky. Then during Grade 8 summer, I spent my vacation at a friend’s house who kept calling me skinny (which by the way was a word I HATED and hated being called) and told me she bet I didn’t eat. Wow some friend right :P anyway, I told her that I eat all the time and proved it to her by well.. spending our summer eating ice cream every day, eating chips and drinking ice tea. So during that summer, I grew a gut. My stomach wasn’t flat anymore… to speed things up, I started to lose that gut when I was in Grade 10 P.E. .. I was always the athletic type and loved P.E.

Alright, now I’m in Grade 11 and in Grade 11, P.E. isn’t mandatory. I didn’t want to take it as a course either because I have the tendency to turn red during that class and didn’t like it. So it’s been a while since I’ve had a good exercise routine. Here’s where this whole story revolves around, at least I think so.. I noticed something 6 months ago, my thighs are HUGE. I thought, either it’s the hormones finally kicking in, or it’s all that food. But before this discovery, I had already started my healthy kick. However, my version of a healthy kick was eating Fibre 1 all the time, I now know that carbs aren’t the best for you. It was saddening because I didn’t know what caused my big thighs at that time. I always loved my legs but now I was ashamed to wear my short shorts.

Let’s get back to this post....

Still trying to recover from my binge eating incident that happened almost a week ago. Still trying to find a healthy eating routine that works for me.

Right now my routine is eating small portions every 2-3 hours. I know it’s good to go 3-4 hours, but I’m trying to take baby steps right now and I know if I go for more than 3 hours, I’ll binge all over again.

So I went downstairs to eat some deliciously healthy stuff. My mom made a big bowl of spinach and another of beef. I was excited to eat the spinach, I love spinach :) After eating a small portion of beef and spinach, I was satisfied. Hold on, I’m trying to remember what happened next. Honestly, it was a blur. Oh yea, I was craving chocolate. My sister had some a Toblerone in the fridge. I thought, “baby steps. It’s okay, just have a piece of chocolate”. For the past two days I’ve been craving Haagen Daaz ice cream bars but we had none. So I had a piece of Toblerone. Wow it was great. Then I started to crave some more chocolate. So I had another. While chewing on my second piece, I was looking at the ingredients list and the nutrition facts. They weren’t good obviously. Then I look at a box of Tim Tams on the side of the fridge and started to read their nutrition facts. Let’s see, 50 g of Toblerone versus 2 pieces of Tim Tams… Tim Tams win. So you guessed it, I started eating some Tim Tams. Then I thought, “Crap. Don’t binge, don’t binge. Just stop.” It was too late. I just kept eating chocolatey things.

I knew this wasn’t like the binge eating I’d done before because this time I wasn’t shoving everything in my mouth. I was taking it really slowly. Then after swallowing whatever I was eating, I rest my arm on the wall and pressed my forehead against it. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t because I didn’t know what was leading me to do this. I also thought about my sister and all this garbage she bought. I think it was so easy for me to be healthy before because my sisters weren’t in the house and there wasn’t as much junk food. I wanted to cry on someone’s shoulder and ask them why my sister was doing this to me. Maybe she’s not intentionally doing this to me but I felt like this was some kind of evil trick she’s playing on me because I was always this skinny little girl.

Then I stopped craving chocolate and wanted bread. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know I used to have a bread addiction. I still love bread but I’m not too crazy about it anymore since it was one of the things that led to my big thighs.

I’ll skip over some parts now. All you need to know is that I was still eating. After a while (yes a while), I stopped craving all this junk food. I thought it was gross and didn’t want anymore. I wasn’t full at all but I was craving something. I just didn’t know what. I kept thinking and grabbed some organic corn tortilla chips which by the way probably aren’t healthy. While eating these tortilla chips and looking at all the boxes I was thinking, “no I don’t want chocolate. No I don’t want cereal. I don’t want grains. I don’t want this, I don’t want that”. I knew this wasn’t emotional binge eating anymore. I wasn’t craving anything anymore. I just wanted to satisfy myself even though I was satisfied when I ate that delicious spinach. And no I didn’t want spinach either :P. It just felt like even though I ate so much, I was empty. I don’t know much about metabolism or anything. I’m 16, I don’t think I’m growing any taller. Am I craving all of these things because I’m growing? At that moment, I didn’t want junk food but I wanted something plain and healthy. I didn’t want to move away from that pantry of processed foods either. I just didn’t know what I wanted, so I kept eating a little bit of this and that to see if that’s what I wanted to eat. I just kept thinking, the more I try a little bit of this and that, it’ll catch up to me and I won’t like it.

I am now sitting here writing this post wondering why do I keep getting cravings? Am I still growing? Is it something to do with my emotions because I don’t know what stress in my life would cause me to eat. I guess if you put someone else in my shoes, they’d be stressed out from the exams, new school semester and family drama. But it didn’t bother me, I’m strong and it’s never bothered me. If you’d read my previous post then do you think it’s because of that stressful doctor’s appointment I had? But that appointment was almost a week ago. This is a mystery I need help solving. For all you nutrition and health experts or anyone who knows anything about this, what do you think is leading to me to keep eating?